Puns

The Pun #

It is undeniable that the British are fond of puns. It is usual to sneer at the pun as the lowest form of wit. But the pun may contain a very high form of wit, and may please either for its cleverness, or for its amusing quality, or for the combination of the two.

Naturally, the really excellent pun has always been in favor with the wits of all countries. Johnson’s saying:

“that a man who would make a pun would pick a pocket, is not to be taken too seriously.”

It is recorded that when Napier captured Scinde, Pakistan, he notified the government at home of this victory by sending a dispatch of one word:

“Peccavi” (Latin for “I have sinned”).

The pun is of the sort that may be appreciated intellectually for its cleverness, while not calculated to cause laughter.

ALL PUNS INTENDED #

  1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

  1. A set of jumper leads walk into a bar.

The bartender says, ‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.’

  1. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

  2. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

  3. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:

A beer please, and one for the road.'

  1. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:

‘Does this taste funny to you ?’

  1. ‘Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’

‘That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.’

‘Is it common ?’

‘Well, It’s Not Unusual.’

  1. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, ‘I was artificially inseminated this morning.’

‘I don’t believe you,’ says Dolly.

‘It’s true; no bull!’ exclaims Daisy.

  1. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.

The kids were nothing to look at either.

  1. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

  2. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

  3. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’

The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t - I’ve cut off your arms!’

  1. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.

  2. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?

A fsh.

  1. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’

  1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that:

you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

  1. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.

‘But why,’ they asked, as they moved off.

‘Because,’ he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.’

  1. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named ‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him ‘Juan.’ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds:

‘They’re twins ! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.’

  1. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good) …..

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

More: #

  1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

  1. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

  2. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

  3. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

  4. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

  5. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

  6. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in LinoleumBlownapart.

  7. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

  8. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

  9. Time flies like an arrow.
    Fruit flies like a banana.

  10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
    One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

  12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
    Then it hit me.

  13. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

  14. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

  15. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

  16. A backward poet writes inverse.

  17. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts.

In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

  1. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

  2. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you’d be in Seine .

  3. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess
    looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

  4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’

The other says, ‘Are you sure?’

The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

  1. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a
    root-canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.

24.There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

England has no kidney bank but it does have a Liverpool .

I tried to catch some fog but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a type-O.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club but I’d never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

PMS jokes aren’t funny - period…

We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

I didn’t like my beard at first. But it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection. urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of Communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in Liverpool’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Students in school prefer Maths debates to English debates.

Student to teacher: Where’s Uranus?

  1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said:

“I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.”

“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested. “Don’t you know who I am? I am the King!”

Croesus replied,

“When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”

2.. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss bowling records were destroyed in a fire, .

. . and so we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3.. A man rushed into a busy doctor’s surgery and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!”

The doctor calmly responded,

Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient."

4.. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.

After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said,

“The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”

5.. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.

His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying,

“I must have taken Leif off my census.”

6.. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.

This just goes to prove that…

the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

7.. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said,

“Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don’t need enemas.”

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

Quirky ones:

A Man’s home is his castle – in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu – the same mustard as before

Practice safe eating – use condiments

A condom should be used on every conceivable occasion .

A man needs a mistress – just to break the monogamy

Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

Chicago Tribune awarded the Headline of 1995:

An inmate of a mental asylum formed a relationship with the laundress who helped him escape:

“Loose Nut Screws Washer And Bolts”.

When Michael Foot was appointed chairman of the Nuclear Armaments Committee, the English Newspaper Headline:

Foot Heads Arms Body